Last night, I spent a few hours writing in my journal about my priorities for my life. I feel that I now have a better grasp of what will make me happy in the long term in regards to a husband, family, career, lifestyle, location, etc. I am feeling optimistic about my future. And I am grateful for that.
This year, in particular, I am thankful for the persistence of my inner voice that has reminded me of my childhood hopes and charged me to chase my dreams.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone!
Yesterday, I had lunch with Floyd. He had been suggesting that we hang out since the summertime. I figured it either it was to 1) let me know that he was getting married; 2) ask me for a second chance. The former would have been expected as it is always the result of dating a guy who doesn’t believe in marriage: Suddenly discovers that he does want to get married (just not to you). The later, while flattering, just makes me squirm.
I felt that it was important to have lunch with him given that he has been rather supportive in my pursuits to go abroad. But sure enough, he wanted to meet so that he could tell me that he is dating someone that he hopes to get serious with.
I find that quite amusing. Without a doubt, it has yanked the bandage off the emotions I thought had dissipated with time. To be honest, I am truly over him, but I am not over our relationship—or at least, I miss the carefree, in-love Hippo I was during that time. Now, I am happy, for sure, but a little jaded and definitely more guarded.
I know that his heart was in the right place in wanting to tell me in-person. A random meeting with him and his new love would have been awkward. I wish that I was able to tell him in response that I am also in a loving relationship.
Well, actually, I am in a loving relationship...with myself (possibly the most important relationship of all). Amazingly with Floyd gone, I have learned to love me.
A day later, I met a woman that I admire for coffee. I wanted to get her advice and encouragement about the career and personal options I am considering for the next few years. The most striking thing that she noted was how important this time in my life is; how it is very important to be building a foundation in my career and personal life now. And that I need to make important decision about what is important to me in regards to a family life and my career. She shared with me a few stories of her friends who are facing 40+ and made bad decisions.
Our conversation helped to put things into perspective, but it has also increased my anxiety about making the right choices during the upcoming years. My heart and fancy scream France, but maybe I should listen to my brain and be a bit more measured about taking that risk.
My twenties have been a time of following the rules and working hard. Thankfully, all my efforts are paying off. I would hate to make a misstep now that would destroy all that I have built, or that would make it harder for me to achieve all of my dreams in the future.
My mother will visit me in December. I look forward to seriously finally opening up to her so that I can get her advice. Then, I'll need to take time to reevaluate my priorities so that I can chart a path that is realistic but also respects the vision of my life that I had as a little girl.
The past two weeks have been interesting. My personal life is good. My applications to for international work programs are still in the works. But there has been a marked increase in anxiety, tension and sadness at work.
The elections are going to change the landscape on the Hill next year—not just from a policy perspective but in terms of the circles of friends that I've made on the Hill. I am very fortunate that I should be able to continue my job next year but some of my friends won't.