What a great weekend. I spent it doing just about everything I like to do. I successfully avoided basic housework in favor of reading, snacking, exercising and hanging out with friends.
The highlight was playing around the world after aerobics. It took me nearly 20 minutes to finish the challenge. It's like I forgot how to shoot a basketball, particularly from the top of the key. Eventually, my shots got better, but no where near perfect. I think that I'll stop in the basketball court after every weekend workout session to get a mini-arm workout and challenge myself. No, I didn't go swimming this weekend like I promised myself. I overslept and generally punked out. Hopefully, next week, I'll find the courage to don a bathing suit and get in the pool.
I finished my first chick-lit book in months this weekend. It's called Jemima J. and although, the persistent talk about weight, self-esteem, etc got super annoying toward the middle of the book, the story was amusing enough but not really believable. Next up is reading Pride and Prejudice for the 100th time. I've already requested the three different Pride and Prejudice film productions from the library and I hope they arrive by the weekend. It will be quite a memorable weekend of Mr. Darcy and general fantasy-land (Silly, romantic Hippo!).
No word from either of the guys who were in my life. I still miss Floyd but more and more, I'm realizing the importance of resisting the urge to reach out to him. I want to give him space and time to figure life out on his own and start his new journey without me. As for Mr. Rebound, I feel less anxious about my situation with him. I have a simple question to ask him if I ever see him again. And based on his answer, I'll decide whether I want to see him (as more than friends) ever again.
I will be blatantly clear, though I feel that he's already gotten my hints, that I don't want a fling. It seemed like a nice idea at the beginning of the summer, when I was bored, lonely, and (dare I say it?!) sexually unfulfilled. But now, I realize that I don't want or need and can't handle a summer fling—though oddly enough, Floyd and I started out as a rather casual (at least at first) but steamy summer fling. I don't know what was different about those days that made a summer fling okay to me…I was equally bored, lonely, and horny when I met Floyd. But I also hadn't experienced love at that point. I guess that is the difference.
I want more now. I want to experience the passion of a fling (and believe me, Mr. Rebound and I had our moments), but more than that, I want the peace of mind and contentment that being in love with your best friend can give (which is what Floyd was to me, until things started to fall apart and I longed for something/someone different). The question is, can I have both? Can I get both sustained passion and lifelong love? Floyd and I once had passion but it was fleeting. We had what I though was lifelong love, but it wasn't enough for me (especially given everything else…e.g., he moved hundreds of miles away and we wanted different things out of life). So, then I guess it wasn't lifelong love after all.
Reading French actress Jeanne Moreau's words struck a chord and yet, I still don't have the maturity to see a marked contradiction between passion and love.
"Oh come on. Passion — when you get to be 60 — by then you know about love — but love is not passion. I would hate passion; I would hate to be still overcome with passion, I've done that! I have passion for life now. And now I know about love. Love and passion don't go together. Passion is destructive. Passion is demanding.
"Passion is jealous. Passion goes up and down. Love is consistent. Fidelity, that's what love is about. Compassion, you give even more than you receive. That's what love is about. I'd hate to still be a victim of passion — I would think, God! I've lived all these years and I've learned nothing?"
I don't want to be a silly "victim of passion," but I still want passsion and I want true love.
But does it even exist? So many people are divorcing and falling out of love. What is going on and am I falling into the same pattern by running after passion and being fooled by passon--thinking that it is or can be love?
I think know the answer and the key to all my problems. I need to "find myself." I need to truly look within and figure out what I want out of life—out of my career, relationships with lovers and friends, community, etc. At that moment, I'll have found contentment with me and I'd be less likely to fall into the trap and desperately accept passionless love and loveless passion. I think I made a big step just this year in declaring my independence from Floyd, someone I felt wasn't right for me (at least not right now) and again, in deciding that I wouldn't settle for a fling with Mr. Rebound when I really wanted and should demand more. So perhaps, I'm on my way. I hope I am.
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