It's amazing. I had an awesome weekend. It was relaxing and fun. Yet instead of being able to relate the amazing scallops and mac and cheese I shared with GRU at Ben's Next Door or the weirdness that was house searching with a realtor(!), I am left with the need to share my feelings of numbness, sadness, anger and confusion today.
Floyd is in town and I saw him yesterday evening. What a way to end such a beautiful day. Speaking with him on my stoop then politely asking him to leave.
My lesson was that I still have deep feelings for him and cannot be his friend until that fades. First, I need to face our reality and stop mourning what was or what never was--mainly how things were at the beginning. So hopeful and fresh. I was so young and so in love, as was he. Now, I'm older, wiser and I realize how different we are. All those things I decided to overlook at 19, 23 and 25, turn out to be essential now that I'm 29 and know, more or less, who I am and what I want.
So the weekend ended in tears and this morning began with tears, but no more. I've done this before and I can do it again.
I sucks to lose a best friend but it sucks even more to have a friend whose presence hurts. It sucks to end a relationship but it would be worse to prolong 9 years of limbo any further. I hate the maybes and the fantasies that lurk in my head. I live in a Disney fairtale, romance novel fantasyland most of the life--another lesson and another thing I must change. I strongly doubt that we have a future together beyond a friendship, if that.
It's a lot to digest and discard but for my own sanity, I have to finally say, for now and the foreseeable future, goodbye Floyd. It was real and now it's done.
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