Keeping Hope Alive

I remain confused and anxious about my career and boys. I look forward to escaping from the pressures of both next week during my vacation. But, everything and everyone will be awaiting resolution when I get back. I just need to focus on giving 100% and staying positive and hopeful.

Hope is so important.

I guess I should write more but I worry about giving too much information about my feelings given that a few of my coworkers read my blog and that Floyd may still read my entries. I believe in full-discloure and don't like the idea of censoring my own blog. But I wonder how open I can really be on a blog that is read by people I see everyday and by people that I truly care about. I don't want to offend, hurt or give anyone ammunition to use against me. I guess I don't like the idea of being so open with others.

So, I'll remain vague about some of my concerns in my blog--at least for now. I have my paper journal to disclose the "real" stuff anyway.

By the way, I broke my agreement and called Floyd. The conversation was okay until he accused me of being selfish. Then, things degraded. I knew I was being selfish, but I didn't care. I just wanted to get quick advice from him without opening things up any further. Yes, it was selfish and I now know that I need to find a new source for quick advice without all the drama.

Tuesday, Tuesday

I don't really have much to say today. I'm feeling rather bored, though I have a bunch of things that I could be doing. I still haven't figured out what I'm gonna do about my guy problems, but I still have time. I should take this time to vent about my job/career path, but I'll save that for another day. I guess it's the heat that's making me so lazy and indifferent.

I will take the time to note two blogs that I frequent.

I like to visit DC Concierge for regularly updated information on local events and businesses of interest.

Another site that I came across during the past few weeks and that has been somewhat helpful in gaining a new/male perspective on life is Roosh V, formerly DC Bachelor. The entries about women and relationships (check out the Hall of Fame) have, at times, enraged, amused, and bemused me. Mostly, the entries make me think about where I stand, who I really am, and what sort of woman I want to be.

“If you’re going to San Francisco…”

I want to take the time to recap my work trip to California.  I didn't really have the time or mindset to talk about my trip last week given all my boy problems.  But now that my boy problems are over, at least for now, let me tell you all about my trip.

This is the second year that I've gone to California for my program's three-day planning retreat.  Like last year, the weather was nice, though much cooler than the 90 degree temperatures I left in D.C.  But, the scenery was divine.  The retreat site was a historic home in the wooded hills of Mill Valley.  The house was huge and beautiful and the grounds were amazing.  In the evening, my coworkers and I ventured through the wooded trails and on the fire road.  Oh, and the food was superb.  It was so hard to adjust to eating basic cereal, sandwiches and stir-fry after those marvelous meals.

You'd think that a relatively relaxing retreat (aside from the 3 to 4 -hour blocks of meetings) would help me calm down regarding my boy issues, but nope, the quiet time before bed and before dawn (I woke up both mornings at 5!) gave me much time to anxiously reflect…

A key highlight of the trip was talking to the other assistants who work in the California office.  They are both my age and also have guy issues.  We spent much of our free time discussing the pressures of being a 20-something—deciding on a career path and applying to school; feeling the pressures of marriage, babies, and settling down with/finding "the One."  It was good to hear that I wasn't alone in my anxiety about life—about the major decision I would have to make regarding Floyd, regarding my career, and regarding who I wanted to be.  As my fellow assistants noted, we should feel exhilarated to have so many options: We don't have to deal with an arranged marriage or a lack of opportunities for work or school.  Our mothers, grandmothers and beyond worked so hard to give us choices in life and in love. 

So, although the retreat didn't really allow me time to retreat from the realities of my life. It did help me find perspective for my own struggles and problems.  The key during this period of finding my true self is to be patient and to always follow my heart.

After the storm...

I’m done with guys for a while. Things are just so fucked up in my love life. I need time to figure out what I want and what I’m feeling. Otherwise, I’ll be just mindlessly running, following my id and making bad choices. There is no way that I’ll be able to have a successful relationship with Floyd or anyone else until I get myself right. There is no way that I can be successful in any other non-Floyd relationship until I come to terms with my feelings and actions regarding Floyd.

The fact that I hurt Floyd makes me sick. And I feel that throughout our relationship, I constantly hurt Floyd. Yet, he always remained there--until now. It’s like I self-sabotaged a great, stable, though not perfect, relationship. I don’t know what I want and that is the problem. I don’t know if I want Floyd. I don’t know if I want the other guy, or if I’m just seeking a rebound to help me get over Floyd.

I don’t know anything anymore. But I have accepted the fact that I need to step back. This translates to no contact with guys. No calls, no emails, no text messages, no meetings for at least a month.

I hope that during this period, I will reach more solid ground regarding my true feelings. I’ll definitely hit bottom for a while before I pull myself back. Being in Paris will be good for perspective and in giving me time to think and reflect. I haven’t been the same at work or in life since April/May. I’ve been running and making choices that were part exhilarating, part hurt, part sadness, part anger. Now I want to make decisions with calm and confidence and I can’t do that until I cut guys out and exclusively focus on me.

Lonely Pea, Lonely Carrot

Well, Floyd and I are officially kaput.

We were still "in-talks" for the past week, but things have slowly disintegrated. Floyd definitely tried and put himself on the line. And I respect and love him for it. But for some reason, I just couldn't reciprocate. I guess it was over in my mind and I didn't feel the need to salvage something that I no longer held on to. I just felt sad and anxious but mostly numb. Things just weren't and aren't the same anymore. The difference was bey

ond the fact that I had pursued someone else and been pursued by someone else. That aspect made me feel as if things couldn't be the same. But our relationship had slowly deteriorated ever since he left in October/November. Perhaps, if we had both been more communicative about our feelings and issues over that period, things would be different now. Maybe not. But you can't say that we didn't try to make things work over the seven years we were together. You can say that I gave up in the end. Very shocking, indeed.

Again, I don't regret my behavior over the past few months or even years. I made the choices that I felt were right at the time. Many of my choices were based entirely on my immature, fickle, neurotic emotions, but it was my misfortune to not be rational, mature and strong enough to note reality. It is my misfortune to have devalued and thrown away (shocking!) a very special relationship with someone who knows me better than anyone and who loved me and was there for me unconditionally until the end (though the key here is whether I still felt the same romantic love for him--very, very shocking). I fear that this will become the biggest love-regret in my life. I fear that I will never find someone to live up to the bar that has been set. But again, that is completely my misfortune. I must claim and accept my new reality and be hopeful for the future and this new journey.

This turning point in my life reminds me of the last scene in Gone with the Wind, where Scarlett desperately asks Rhett, "Where shall I go? What shall I do?" After Rhett's famous line, Scarlett notes that she'll go back home to Tara to regain her strength and figure things out. And that's what I'll do. I'll find my "home," i.e. myself, and gain the strength to move forward. I'll never forget, but I will forgive. I hope Floyd can eventually do the same.

It will be so weird to work things out alone given that Floyd and I always figured out our problems together. Yet, this is one situation I must face and resolve on my own. It will be lonely and hard.

I wish that my actions didn't hurt Floyd. I regret hurting Floyd. I also regret not communicating enough with Floyd because I didn't want to hurt his feelings. Because ultimately, I still did. I value honesty and communication a lot more now. It is so important to express one's feelings regardless of how it will make the other feel. Otherwise, it will be like living a lie or at least, not being your true self.

So now, I truly begin a period of mourning those seven special years with Floyd. Good and bad times. I don't know when I'll remove his pictures from my refrigerator or pack up all the items in my home that he gave me or that remind him of me [can I ever part with the hippo or the coqui?]. Yet, in order to move on, I will have to purge a few reminders from my space. Just not yet.

Dear Floyd,

I love you and I'm sorry.

Goodbye.

I wish you the very best in life and in love.

Your DCBFF and Pea Forever. Indeed, forever.

Reality Check

Foolish Hippo Q.
He’s just not that into you.

Ouch/Fuckin’-A!

"There goes my baby" (The Drifters)

I'm scared that I made the biggest mistake of my life last night.

Floyd and I called it 100% quits. That means we're officially no longer friends, companions, lovers, or anything else now or ever again. We're cut off entirely and it's quite overwhelming.

I am unbearably sad, but mainly I feel calm. Perhaps, that tells me that we made the right decision. Maybe not. I just can't believe that seven years of building a life with Floyd has come to such a bitter, unforeseen end.

I wish him well and hope that everything will be just fine…eventually.

There have always been at least two songs that I think about everytime Floyd and I called it quits. Each time we broke up, the first song rang true and now, perhaps, the second one does as well. Who's know what any of this means or how I really feel. Yet, Gladys and Carole, if you would…

It's sad to think, we're not gonna make it
And it's gotten to the point where we just can fake it
For some un-Godly reason we just won't let it die
I guess neither one of us
Wants to be the first to say good bye

I keep on wondering
What I'm gonna do with out you
And I guess you must be wondering that same thing too
So we go on, go on together living a lie
Because neither one of us
Wants to be the first to say good bye

Every time I find the nerve
Every time I find the nerve to say I'm leaving'
Oh, memories, those old memories get in my way
Oh, Lord knows it's only me, only knows it's only me
That I'm deceiving
When it comes to say good bye
That's a simple word that I just cannot say

There can be no way
There can be no way
This can have a happy ending
So we just go on
Hurting and pretending

And convincing ourselves to give it just one more try
Because neither one of us
Wants to be the first to say

Neither one of us
Wants to be the first to say
Neither one of us
Wants to be the first to say

Farewell my love, goodbye

(Gladys Knight & The Pips)

+++++++++++++++++++++++

Stayed in bed all morning just to pass the time
There's something wrong here, there can be no denying
One of us is changing, or maybe we've stopped trying

And it's too late, baby, now it's too late
Though we really did try to make it
Something inside has died and I can't hide
And I just can't fake it

It used to be so easy living here with you
You were light and breezy and I knew just what to do
Now you look so unhappy, and I feel like a fool

And it's too late, baby, now it's too late
Though we really did try to make it
Something inside has died and I can't hide
And I just can't fake it

There'll be good times again for me and you
But we just can't stay together, don't you feel it too
Still I'm glad for what we had, and how I once loved you

But it's too late, baby, it's too late
Though we really did try to make it
Something inside has died and I can't hide
And I just can't fake it

It's too late, baby
It's too late, now darling
It's too late

(Carole King)

Can I puh-lease schedule an appointment?

I'm still hopeful that I'll be able to make an appointment to see a skilled doctor within the next week.

After an experience with a quack in Wheaton and a quack in Silver Spring, I've given up taking chances with just any doctor listed in the insurance provider directory. I attempted to schedule an appointment with the doctor's group I used to go to when in college. Unfortunately, the doctor's offices that I've called are either 1) not accepting new patients (I've been classified as a new patient since it's been more than 3 years since my last visit) or 2) the earliest appointment they can give me is July 13.

So, I'm relegated to randomly picking a doctor from the insurance provider directory or waiting until mid-July and hoping my symptoms don't get worse. Or I could just go to the hospital and face a crazy bill but have my symptoms addressed by, hopefully, a skilled doctor (though probably after a 3 hour wait).

I don't understand why it is so hard to find a reputable doctor and make a timely appointment.

The U.S. healthcare system truly makes no sense.

Dinner with an Old Friend

I just returned from having dinner with my college roommate. I want to note that we ate at the super-yummy Adam's Morgan falafel place, Amsterdam.

It was so nice to see my old roommate again. I haven't seen her in four years and she hasn't really changed, which is good cause neither have I. She is still as grounded, hardworking and focused on the important things in life as she was in college. She just finished medical school and is on her way back to the U.K. to start her residency. I'm really sad to see her go but so proud and happy for her accomplishments. I wish her well.

It is amazing how quickly time has flown since college. It wasn't that long ago that we were freshman year roommates, taking classes and meeting on Fridays for Chick-Fil-A dinner. We stayed roommates all four years and though things weren't always perfect, she was a great mentor, roommate, and a true friend.

Bonjour, Paris!

I'm going to Paris!  I just booked my flight and hotel for Paris and I can't stop smiling.  I've been dreaming about going to Western Europe ever since I was a child, and now, at the age of 26, I am!  I hope that this trip will usher in a new era of world traveling for me.

I am still a bit nervous about whether my mother and I will be able to get along during the whole trip given the fact that I haven't lived with her since I was a child.  But I think the simple fact that we will be exploring a new place together will keep things calm.  Most of all, this experience will be a great opportunity to build a relationship, as an adult, with my mom.

I can't wait to start planning our trip itinerary.  We definitely plan on hitting all the major tourist sites.  But I will also schedule in large blocks of café and park time for people watching and pastry-eating.

I guess I need to dig out my French language tapes and enroll in the Mac Intensive French Language School asap!  I hope that Mac IFLS is still accepting students...

P&C no more

I’m feeling much better today after a rather crazy weekend.

Once again, I’ll say that I don’t regret anything that happened over the weekend. I made choices that felt right at the time. They may have been bad or good choices, but they were mine to make. I do wish that I had more fully thought out my actions and the consequences. Yet, even then, I probably would have made the same choices and still hurt my best friend.

So, Floyd is no longer talking to me and has basically written me out of his life. I’m gonna miss him so much and I will never forget the terms upon which our relationship ended. I hope that one day we can be friends because we have so much history, both good and bad times. He knows me more than anyone on this planet and I’m quite saddened to know that he’ll no longer be apart of my life and I’ll no longer be a part of his life. I’ll be lonely without my DCBFF.

But I’m hopeful. I’ve always believed that things happen for a reason. Life provides opportunities and you make choices. Whether the choice is good or bad, you learn a bit more about yourself as a result. I learned a bit more about my values and beliefs as a result of this weekend. I also learned how vulnerable and human I am. I learned that Floyd still cares, as do I. Yet, I guess, I’m moving on.

I fear to speak of the guy I met because I think Floyd might still read this blog, at least for a little bit to make sure that I’m doing okay.

I’ll only say that he’s really nice and I like him a lot. But who knows if I actually like him or am just super relieved to have someone interested in me…or just desperate for something positive to come out of this situation. More on this later, I guess.

Farewell my sweet Floyd, my dear DCBFF. We had an amazing, tumultuous, fun, loving, crazy seven years together. I never imagined that such a day would come, but it has. I regret hurting you and ending our relationship on such unsavory terms. But I respect and accept your reaction and decision to say goodbye for good.

I love you and wish you well.

Weekend Freedom is Near

I'm gonna put in my two weeks notice at my part-time job. I have almost reached my savings goal for my summer trip (though I still haven't bought my ticket!). Most of all, I reached my limit.

Working on the weekends has made me way too tired for my normal job. Also, after working 13 hours on the weekend, I rarely have the time or motivation to do normal weekend stuff, like volunteer, do housework, and pursue hobbies. Remarkably, I haven't visited the library in over a month—library-ing is my favorite pastime! I havefr managed to maintain a bit of my social life, but I still long for days of relaxing at home.

I'm glad that I tried out having a part-time job. It was a challenging pursuit. It kept my mind off missing Floyd and helped me earn a little extra for my summer trip. I met some interesting people and had my patience challenged on a regular basis—which will serve me well in the future.

Now I want to focus on having a great summer vacation and using my precious free time more wisely in the future.

When it rains, it pours / Things fall apart

When the lamp is shattered
The light in the dust lies dead--
When the cloud is scattered,
The rainbow's glory is shed.
When the lute is broken,
Sweet tones are remembered not.
When the lips have spoken,
Loved accents are soon forgot.

As music and splendour
Survive not the lamp and the lute,
The heart's echoes render
No song when the spirit is mute--
No song but sad dirges,
Like the wind through a ruined cell,
Or the mournful surges
That ring the dead seaman's knell.

When hearts have once mingled,
Love first leaves the well-built nest.
The weak one is singled
To endure what it once possessed.
Oh Love! who bewailest
The frailty of all things here,
Why choose you the frailest
For your cradle, your home, and your bier?

Its passions will rock thee
As the storms rock the ravens on high.
Bright reason will mock thee
Like the sun from a wintry sky.
From thy nest every rafter
Will rot, and thine eagle home
Leave thee naked to laughter,
When leaves fall and cold winds come.

(Shelley)

***

This evening, the rain falls while the sun still shines. I can’t wait for a rainbow to appear.

I can’t tell you if it was worth it. But I do know that I’ve learned a valuable lesson.

I will sorely miss all that is lost. But I am hopeful that it is not for naught.

***

No more be grieved at that which thou hast done,
Roses have thorns, and silver fountains mud,
Clouds and eclipses stain both moon and sun,
And loathsome canker lives in sweetest bud.

(Shakespeare)

Friday already?!

I just spent the past two days in West Virginia for a work retreat. It was so pretty and quiet. I woke up super early the first morning to take a walk during the sunrise. I only saw a few deer, but it was really nice and peaceful. The food was absolutely amazing and a nice departure from the southern-style (i.e., sugar, salt, and grease laden) food that we were served at the last retreat location.

The retreat afforded me an opportunity to get to know my coworkers, particularly those who work in our other offices. The highlight, or should I say lowlight, of the trip was witnessing my male coworkers strip to their skivvies in order to take a dip in the Shenandoah River. So, not sexy! As soon as I got home last night from the retreat, I went to bed and slept like 12 hours. I didn't realize how exhausted I was, but it was a good exhausted.

I'm glad that this work week has been so short. I look forward to a weekend of chores (time to shred!!) and possibly, seeing the Pirates movie.