After the storm...

I’m done with guys for a while. Things are just so fucked up in my love life. I need time to figure out what I want and what I’m feeling. Otherwise, I’ll be just mindlessly running, following my id and making bad choices. There is no way that I’ll be able to have a successful relationship with Floyd or anyone else until I get myself right. There is no way that I can be successful in any other non-Floyd relationship until I come to terms with my feelings and actions regarding Floyd.

The fact that I hurt Floyd makes me sick. And I feel that throughout our relationship, I constantly hurt Floyd. Yet, he always remained there--until now. It’s like I self-sabotaged a great, stable, though not perfect, relationship. I don’t know what I want and that is the problem. I don’t know if I want Floyd. I don’t know if I want the other guy, or if I’m just seeking a rebound to help me get over Floyd.

I don’t know anything anymore. But I have accepted the fact that I need to step back. This translates to no contact with guys. No calls, no emails, no text messages, no meetings for at least a month.

I hope that during this period, I will reach more solid ground regarding my true feelings. I’ll definitely hit bottom for a while before I pull myself back. Being in Paris will be good for perspective and in giving me time to think and reflect. I haven’t been the same at work or in life since April/May. I’ve been running and making choices that were part exhilarating, part hurt, part sadness, part anger. Now I want to make decisions with calm and confidence and I can’t do that until I cut guys out and exclusively focus on me.