Lonely Pea, Lonely Carrot

Well, Floyd and I are officially kaput.

We were still "in-talks" for the past week, but things have slowly disintegrated. Floyd definitely tried and put himself on the line. And I respect and love him for it. But for some reason, I just couldn't reciprocate. I guess it was over in my mind and I didn't feel the need to salvage something that I no longer held on to. I just felt sad and anxious but mostly numb. Things just weren't and aren't the same anymore. The difference was bey

ond the fact that I had pursued someone else and been pursued by someone else. That aspect made me feel as if things couldn't be the same. But our relationship had slowly deteriorated ever since he left in October/November. Perhaps, if we had both been more communicative about our feelings and issues over that period, things would be different now. Maybe not. But you can't say that we didn't try to make things work over the seven years we were together. You can say that I gave up in the end. Very shocking, indeed.

Again, I don't regret my behavior over the past few months or even years. I made the choices that I felt were right at the time. Many of my choices were based entirely on my immature, fickle, neurotic emotions, but it was my misfortune to not be rational, mature and strong enough to note reality. It is my misfortune to have devalued and thrown away (shocking!) a very special relationship with someone who knows me better than anyone and who loved me and was there for me unconditionally until the end (though the key here is whether I still felt the same romantic love for him--very, very shocking). I fear that this will become the biggest love-regret in my life. I fear that I will never find someone to live up to the bar that has been set. But again, that is completely my misfortune. I must claim and accept my new reality and be hopeful for the future and this new journey.

This turning point in my life reminds me of the last scene in Gone with the Wind, where Scarlett desperately asks Rhett, "Where shall I go? What shall I do?" After Rhett's famous line, Scarlett notes that she'll go back home to Tara to regain her strength and figure things out. And that's what I'll do. I'll find my "home," i.e. myself, and gain the strength to move forward. I'll never forget, but I will forgive. I hope Floyd can eventually do the same.

It will be so weird to work things out alone given that Floyd and I always figured out our problems together. Yet, this is one situation I must face and resolve on my own. It will be lonely and hard.

I wish that my actions didn't hurt Floyd. I regret hurting Floyd. I also regret not communicating enough with Floyd because I didn't want to hurt his feelings. Because ultimately, I still did. I value honesty and communication a lot more now. It is so important to express one's feelings regardless of how it will make the other feel. Otherwise, it will be like living a lie or at least, not being your true self.

So now, I truly begin a period of mourning those seven special years with Floyd. Good and bad times. I don't know when I'll remove his pictures from my refrigerator or pack up all the items in my home that he gave me or that remind him of me [can I ever part with the hippo or the coqui?]. Yet, in order to move on, I will have to purge a few reminders from my space. Just not yet.

Dear Floyd,

I love you and I'm sorry.

Goodbye.

I wish you the very best in life and in love.

Your DCBFF and Pea Forever. Indeed, forever.