Leading me on

Floyd and I are at an interesting place. We've started communicating regularly and openly. And even started to plan for the immediate future.

It is a bit silly, our relationship. Of course our feelings remain strong--revived by recent time together. But we don't live in the same city and don't plan on crossing paths anytime soon.

So, as Floyd asked last night, "are we leading each other on?" I guess if it's mutual disillusionment, it isn't so bad.

And there doesn't seem to be a solution. We're both willing to forgo a bit of crazed singlehood for the false security that our relationship brings.

I know that when it is all finally over, as it will be in 2 years (my new deadline), I'll curse myself for letting an unfulfilled (marriageless) relationship go on for so long.

For now, it feels right. And that's all I can ever hope for.


Anonymous said...

Do you want to be with this man? It sounds like you do and it sounds like he needs to grow up and make a commitment. The longer you hold on to something that's not fulfilling, the more resentful you will be in the end. Moving on takes time. You need to start now. It will be ten times harder to do in 2 years. In the meantime you are closing off other opportunities and not growing as an individual.

That's just my two cents.

Hippo Q. said...

I know in my heart that you speak the truth.

During the past 8 years that I've know Floyd (6-7 of which we were together), I've wanted nothing more than to be with him. Like most naive women, I felt that he'd change--that I'd change. Sure, we have changed but not in way that would guarantee a union between us.

I am a silly, weak woman who can't walk away. I'm so addicted to the dream/possibility of a forever with him. He was my first love. I hoped that he would be my last.

But, you are right. I need to wake up. I thought I woke up last year when he moved away and my Mr. Rebound shook-up my life. Yet, months later, I returned to the safety of my ex. And there I remain--at least for now.