So not over him

Last night, I realized how much I'm not over my ex. Not only that, I realized how much I don't want to be over my ex.

Over the past few months, I've increasingly relied on Floyd for support and diversion. When I started my Peace Corps application and started applying to the Hill, he was the first person I called for advice and insight. He's been a true friend—despite all that has passed—during the past few months, especially in connecting me with his friends on the Hill.

I'll admit that I'm the clingy type and all this interaction isn't good for me. At times, I wholly forget about our prior issues and assume that things are on the mend. But they aren't. Our connection now is merely an afterimage or testament to what we had for seven years and not an indication of what we may have in the future. The sooner I realize that, the sooner I can leave Floyd in peace, mend my own heart, and allow us to both move on and find our "true love(s)." Unfortunately, I don't want to accept the finality just yet. I still need and trust his perspective and presence.

As soon as one of us enters the dating scene, the spell will be broken. I suppose that it's already been broken on Floyd's side as a result of my ill-advised dealings with Mr. Rebound. But the spell hasn't been entirely broken for me, and it will be a sad day when it is. Yet, how shattered will the connection really be? Does one ever really get over their first love?

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